


I Could Have (Should Have) Been Better

by Kyber



Series: Family Forged In Blood [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: And feels guilty, Character Study, Gen, My First AO3 Post, Tarsus IV, Winona realizes she’s a bad mother, am I doing tags correctly, kind of?, no graphic descriptions, rightly so, this is from Winona’s POV after all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:35:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25797523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyber/pseuds/Kyber
Summary: Growing up, Winona never wanted children. It simply wasn’t part of her plan. But after falling in love with George she thinks she could be happy as a mother if he’s by her side.When he dies, he leaves Winona with two children she doesn’t know how to love.
Relationships: George Kirk/Winona Kirk, George Samuel Kirk & Winona Kirk, James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk
Series: Family Forged In Blood [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1906717
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71





	I Could Have (Should Have) Been Better

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is my first work ever published on AO3! I’ve been writing for years but never posted any fanfiction publicly (except for some truly embarrassing stories from eleven year old me that need not be mentioned). This story is actually pretty different from how I usually write but I ended up really liking it. Let me know what you think :)

Winona had never wanted to be a mother. She didn’t hate children, far from it, but there had always been something more important. Why waste time on parenthood when she could be acing her classes and wrestling with her friends in the schoolyard? Why go through pregnancy when she could be reaching for the stars, figuratively and literally? Children simply weren’t something she needed. If anything, they’d get in the way. 

She still held that belief when she met George Kirk, a fellow cadet. He was bright and charismatic, lowering people’s defenses with an easy smile. He was what the teachers called a Natural Born Leader. He held potential for greatness. Winona wasn’t unique in her crush on him but she was unique in that her feelings were returned. They had a whirlwind romance but Winona didn’t fool herself into thinking it would be lifelong. It was nice, he was sweet, but they would eventually move on and she was fine with that. 

Except they didn’t. To her surprise their relationship never stopped being anything less than wonderful. They certainly clashed often but what no one else seemed to see was that they never argued— they debated. And it was fun! Both of them would passionately fight their point until they met eyes and laughed, falling into an embrace. No one was ever hurt and an agreement was always reached. 

The only real point of contention was that George wanted children. At first it seemed to be an insurmountable issue but Winona slowly started to think she wouldn’t mind so much. Children were a waste of time but George’s happiness wasn’t. Winona thought she could be a mother, happily even, if George were the father. 

Winona was correct. When little George Junior (quickly nicknamed Sammy) came into the universe, George Senior’s face lit up brighter than she’d ever seen it before. So when Sammy kept her up all night, when he bit her while breastfeeding, when he wouldn’t stop crying, Winona just sighed and smiled. It was worth it. 

She hadn’t meant to get pregnant again though. One child had been enough. Then she thought of George with a small child in each arm and knew that it would be worth it again. They had been so happy. She thought they would continue to be. 

When she returned home with the second child but no husband, Winona didn’t know what to do. The tears and tantrums that had once been endearing had become grating on her nerves, just as her younger self had thought they would be. The joy of taking care of her son had turned into a chore, and now there were two of them. 

Winona loved them, she really did, but it was becoming harder to remember that. She decided she needed a break. If she just had a month away from the children she’d return invigorated and ready to become a mother again. Winona left the boys with a dear friend and took a four week assignment. 

When she returned her sons were overjoyed to see her and, to her relief, she was glad to see them too. And she kept being glad for nearly three weeks before she started to become tired of them again. Before she accepted another assignment with barely concealed relief. 

Winona tried to be a good mother, though she kept accepting longer and longer assignments. She married a man she could tolerate, feeling secure in the knowledge that he would be a good father while she was gone. Surely that was enough. She’d never even wanted kids after all. It was always George. . . oh, George. It was still difficult to think about him. So she didn’t, entrusting the care of his sons to her hus— to their stepfather. It was a perfect solution for the next ten years. 

Then Sammy ran away. He’d called her a few days before and she’d told him all about her assignment before asking how he was. He answered noncommittally then hung up rather abruptly. She had shrugged. He was a teenager and teenagers were prone to unstable emotions right? She’d heard that somewhere. When she hears he ran away Winona wonders if she should have done more. If she should do more for Jimmy. She stays Earthside for a while, but Jimmy seems okay, so she returns to Starfleet. There’s work to be done. 

Winona isn’t sure if she imagined the anger on little Jimmy’s face as she drove away. 

She thinks she probably didn’t when the call comes that he’s been arrested. 

Winona resolves to fight as hard as possible for him before she even knows what he did. She hasn’t been there for Jimmy for the last twelve years, she can at least be there for him in court. Eventually the attorney offers her a deal. If Jimmy can pass some sort of “Gifted and Talented Children” test, he can spend time at a gifted school in an off world colony instead of time in jail. Winona accepts immediately. She doesn’t actually know if Jimmy’s gifted, but both George and her were always smart, so surely he inherited something. 

Winona thinks with a pang of guilt that she should probably know if her own son is gifted. When Jimmy passes with flying colors Winona feels guilty again for doubting him. 

He’s shipped off to Tarsus IV and Winona promises to call every weekend. When he tells her not to bother she swallows her pride and instead promises she’ll answer if he calls. He never does. 

As Winona realizes just how badly she’s fucked up, just how disappointed George would be, she’s told that Sammy has been found. This time when she talks to her son she’s ready for the anger. 

Sammy doesn’t want anything to do with her either, but at least he accepts her help in the form of a bank account. She cries when he hangs up with, 

“Don’t call more than once a month, I won’t answer.” 

Winona can only be thankful she’s allowed to call at all. 

Eight months later Jimmy is found half-dead in a colony no one knew had collapsed. Winona realizes that maybe he did try to call and all she can think is ‘This is my fault. I should have protected him. I should have protected both of them.’

Then she sees Jimmy in the hospital ward with eyes full of hatred and arms wrapped protectively around five other kids, thinks of Sammy with a job and an apartment, and realizes it’s too late. Her sons learned to protect themselves in her stead. He snarls at her like a wounded animal — like a predator protecting their young — and she has to fight not to cry. She sits down in the farthest seat and pledges to give him anything he needs, anything he wants. 

There is venom in his eyes when he says “I don’t need you.” 

Her voice breaks when she replies “I know.” 

But when his children are forced to sleep in separate rooms his bravado melts. Jimmy looks so exhausted. The kind of exhaustion Winona sees on captains who have lost too much, not on her thirteen year old boy. 

She gathers him in a hug before she can stop to remember that he hates her. He tenses but doesn’t draw away. Instead he starts to shake and latches onto her with enough strength to bruise. She just holds him closer, silent tears tracing down her face as sobs wrack her son’s body. 

He doesn’t hug her again but she clings to that memory as tightly as he’d clung to her. 

Back on earth she gives him the same offer she’d given Sammy. He accepts, and tells her that he’s going to become an emancipated minor. She nods in understanding. She doesn’t understand quite as well when he says he’s going to adopt those Tarsus kids, but she keeps it to herself. Jimmy would be a much better parent than her anyway. Wouldn’t fail as abysmally as Winona had. 

After all, she had never wanted her children. And now she would spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to them.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few ideas floating around about single dad Jim Kirk that would fit with this fic if I ever wrote them down. If anyone is interested let me know and I’ll actually try to write them.


End file.
